Cat Tails: A noisy monster

Greymalkin streaked into the yard, yowling for whoever was around. “Peep, LT, Rudy - help me! My house has been invaded by some sort of monster!” She ran from the garage, around the special burner thing, past the lily pond and up onto the deck without seeing a single cat. “Isn’t anyone here?”

Rudy stuck her head out the cat door. “Sorry, no salescats allowed. We gave at the office.” Seeing the look on Greymalkin’s face, she realized this was not a time for humor. “Sorry, Greymalkin. I’ve always wanted to do that. Won’t you come inside?”

“Oh, no, please come out here, all of you. I need to talk to you and find out what to do about this monster in my house!” She waited impatiently for the three cats to come out. LT still had squishy food on his whiskers, and he sat down to groom while the words spilled out of Greymalkin.

“This morning my human’s daughter came to visit. She lives a long, long way away and hasn’t been here for years. She came with all sorts of suitcases and strange things that were folded up and then she brought in some sort of carrier. It had a squirmy animal thing in it that had no fur at all. She put it down on the floor, and this thing must be really dangerous because it was all tied into the carrier. Although, you’d think if it was dangerous they’d just put it in a cage. Anyhow. It waved its paws around for a while and then started making an absolutely horrible noise. My human ran over and untied the straps and picked it up – I wouldn’t have done that, believe me, but she did. It got quiet after that thank goodness.

“My human and her daughter played with the little animal for a while, talking the kind of baby talk that my human uses with me sometimes. They both completely ignored me. Not a pat, not a scratch, and certainly no treats for Greymalkin today! Then the little thing started making tiny grunting noises and suddenly the whole room smelled worse than a skunk that’s been dead for a week. That’s when I decided it was time to get out of there.”

All three cats looked quizzically at Greymalkin. LT spoke first. “Haven’t you ever seen a human baby before? That’s what it is from your description. Since humans don’t have fur, of course their babies don’t either, and they are like kittens in that they can’t take care of themselves when they’re small. I will say though, that they take an awful long time to learn to do it. Years and years. I’ve seen a few babies over the years, but mostly I’ve heard about them from television and people talking. They can be fun, but watch out, because when they’re old enough to move around they like to pull tails or dress you in funny clothes or carry you around like a stuffed animal.”

Peep looked at LT. “Not just babies. Mommy likes to dress me up, but I did break her of it when I didn’t talk to her for a month or two.”

Rudy offered, “Well, I’ve seen plenty of babies on One Life to Live, and mostly they’re trouble. Sometimes there are fights over who their parents are, and who they’re going to live with because human parents on that show never seem to want to stay together.”

LT looked sternly at Rudy. “Soap operas are not real life, Rudy. We’ve discussed this before. Watch it if you must, but please don’t share its wisdom as though it were reality.”

Greymalkin wailed, “But what should I do? Will they kick me out of my home? Will my human even love me anymore? I’m too old to have to look for a new home!”

Peep snuggled up next to an agitated Greymalkin and started to groom her ears. “I’d try to stay out from underfoot, but be a beautiful, serene presence. Your human loves you, and when the baby gets on her nerves, what better to soothe her than her beloved cat, Greymalkin?