It’s Not Easy Being Green – An Interview with Howie Hawkins

Princess Clementine, Political Correspondent for Animal Rights

Tue Sept 3, 2019

Last week I had the opportunity to meet with not one, but two of the candidates for President of the United States.  Howie Hawkins, candidate for the Green Party had a Meet and Greet at a wine shop in Highland Park on August 25^th and I thought it would be a good time to catch up with him.  I’d sent him an email earlier in the week, and he replied that he’d be happy to meet with me in the morning before the event when he went to check out the venue with his team.  Never one to let such an opportunity pass by, I replied that I’d be there.

I had a day to do my research beforehand, so I started with his campaign website.  It seems that the Green Party is an ecosocialist party, or at least as far as I can tell it is.  It opposes corporations owning certain industries, and that those should be socialized.  Among those cited was Facebook, and although I think some of the folks on Facebook need some socialization, I’m not sure how trust-busting it or making it into a public utility would make it better.  But, I’m just a cat, and don’t pretend to understand human interactions, especially when they regard the green-printed paper and round metal disks or the plastic cards that seem to be their substitute.  I do know you need a lot of round disks or some pieces of paper to buy squishy or crunchy food, but that’s about the extent of my knowledge.  I got a headache trying to read more of the information on his and the Green Party websites, so I figured I just wing it when I met the candidate. 

I arrived at the wine shop at 9:30 am, as Candidate Hawkins had requested, but there was a “Closed” sign on the door.  I wandered around the back, and found an open door through which folks were bringing in heavy boxes of wine bottles.  I slipped in and went looking for the candidate.  He’d said he’d meet me in the wine cellar, so I headed downstairs.  Well, there was plenty of cases of wine and other things down there, but no candidate, and it didn’t seem like a pleasant place to either hold an event or be interviewed.  Upstairs I found a brick walled room with shelves full of wine and an annoyed candidate talking on his cell phone. 

“She confirmed by email that she’d be here at 9:30 and it’s almost 9:40.  She’s not even who I thought she was, I was thinking of Clementine Ford.  I can’t find anything about her on the web, so who knows what I’m getting myself into here.  Do all the interviews you can, you said.  Well, as far as I can tell, when I googled Clementine and political correspondent, the only thing that came up was a fricking cat!  Maybe someone was just putting me on.  I hope someone was just putting me on.  I’ll wait another ten minutes and then we’ll meet you for an early lunch.  Later.” 

I walked into the room while he was talking and stood below the table.  Hawkins sighed loudly and rubbed his face.  I figured I’d end his suspense, and jumped up on the table, carefully avoiding the arrangement of wine glasses.  I meowed at him and looked up into his face.  He rubbed his face again and said, “Glory be, I’ve taken an interview with a cat.”  He shook his head and looked at me.  “Well,  you obviously have questions, but I unfortunately do not speak cat.  Let me just tell you a little bit about my candidacy and stance on the major issues in the election.”  I nodded, so he repeated most of the information I’d seen on his candidacy website.  He did have some information I’d failed to find on his position regarding animals.  “Clementine, I fully support the Green Party’s position on animal rights.   Our position would greatly improve the lives of you and your feline and canine friends.  We support neutering of, um, animals of no fixed address, prohibition of any procedures that would affect your ability to survive such as declawing, or devocalization as well as painful cosmetic procedures like docking tails or ears in dogs or cats.  We would support the conversion of all shelters to “No-Kill” facilities, except in cases where an animal is injured or ill and medical care would not leave them with a decent quality of life.  For your wild cousins, we want to close zoos and return animals to their normal habitats if possible, and if it isn’t possible move them to true sanctuaries with natural habitats similar to the ones in which their wild…relatives live.  The Green Party recognizes non-human animals as sentient beings who possess inherent rights to live a natural life free from human exploitation and abuse, and advocates legislation supporting these rights. As such, non-human animals should be granted the legal status of “person” not “property,” affording them the legal right to be represented in a court of law. We will also ban factory farming and routine use of antibiotics on healthy animals and will also eliminate genetic modification of animals." 

He'd been watching me carefully the whole time he was speaking, so I made sure to respond appropriately by nodding my head or cocking it when he said something that I didn’t quite understand.  When he said they would grant animals the legal status of persons I stood up, meowed and began purring as loud as I could.  After he finished he stood there with his hand slightly outstretched, so I reached my head out and rubbed my face against it and then sat back down. 

“You know, I think you understood what I said.  That position about animals being persons was pretty much just a platform statement to me before today, but talking to you about it, I felt like I was probably the first candidate to make a campaign speech to an animal and believed she took in what I said.  Honestly, you’ve been the best audience I’ve had since I started this campaign.  People don’t take the Green Party seriously.  We usually get some hecklers at events that aren’t fund-raisers, and even the guests at the fund-raising events often have quite skeptical questions.  People can be so rude, making jokes about us being the Mars Party, saying we’re little green men.  I don’t know about everyone else in the Green Party, but I for one am not little, and many of our members are not men.  To my knowledge, none of us are from Mars.  You know, Clementine, it’s not easy being green.”  As soon as he said that I wheezed out a suppressed laugh and he slapped a hand over his mouth.  “Of all the things I was not supposed to say, that was #1 with a bullet point.  And yes, we’re often asked by hecklers why Kermit the Frog isn’t running, as he’d get more votes than any of our candidates.”  He shook his head and reached out tentatively to scritch my head.  I graciously allowed it and leaned into his hand, purring loudly.  We stood there, Presidential Candidate and sentient feline political correspondent, for a few moments until an aide came in to talk to the candidate about the fund-raiser.

The candidate held up his hand for the aide to wait and said, “Clementine, I’ve enjoyed this interview very much, and look forward to your coverage of my campaign.  If you have any additional questions, please send me an email and I’ll get back to you ASAP.  I’d say, call me Howie instead of “Candidate Hawkins”, but you’re not likely to say either in a language I’d understand.  Take care of yourself, Clementine.”  He turned to his aide, who gave him a quizzical look and I jumped off the table and headed for the door.  I heard the aide say behind me, “Did you just give an interview to a cat?”  Howie replied, “Yes, she’s one of my sentient non-human supporters.  Will you open the door for her?”  And as I left he called, “Bye now, Clementine.” 

Marianne Williamson - (Former) Cat Owner

Princess Clementine, Political Correspondent for Animal Rights

Thu August 29, 2019

As I mentioned in an earlier report, my coverage of the candidates is currently limited by my tiny travel budget.  I was able to wangle a miniscule amount of money out of the yarn lady, but she made it clear that there were to be no last minute trips like in 2014 when I went to South Carolina, where I was bamboozled into believing a tall pile of pine needles was a presidential candidate and then charged $2500 for a half hour ride back to the airport.   

I’ve been tracking the candidates’ schedules and saw that Marianne Williamson was scheduled to appear in New York City at the Roxy Hotel on 8/28, so I finished my preliminary research on her and arranged for my transportation into NYC.  This was a private fundraiser, so I also had to consider how to get in. After hours of fruitless thought, I decided I’d just need to be a cat and walk in with my tail held high. 

Candidate Williamson is running in the Democratic primary, and to date has raised over three million dollars.  The latest polls show that only 1% of voters are planning to vote for her, but after reading her candidacy website I think it will increase once people know more about her platform.  She has very positive positions on many of the issues, and seems enthusiastic and quite sure that she can implement her policies.  I’m not sure how easy that would be, considering how much argument goes on in Congress, but maybe her hypnotic voice will lull them all into working together.

Ms. Williamson’s views on animals are clearly stated on her website, although it was a bit disturbing to find them in the section titled “Food”.  To start, she says “..the mistreatment of animals is damaging to the American soul.”  I agree with her 100% on that.  The mistreatment of any being is damaging to the perpetrator’s soul, and so any systemic mistreatment of animals would harm the collective American Soul.  Furthermore, she writes, “each of us must examine, carefully and soulfully, how our dietary choices not only affect our bodies and our planet, but how they literally affect the animals themselves.”  She doesn’t go as far as the Humane Party, but I don’t know that she is vegan, so that would make sense. 

Other than the statements on her website, there is precious little about Marianne Williamson and animals, other than her regrettable comment to a child interviewer who asked if she had any pets.  “I had a cat.  The cat died.” It shows that at some time in her life she might have had some interest in an animal as a companion, and all cats do eventually die.  It doesn’t speak a lot to her ability to talk to children, or any human.  In speaking of Zeke the yarn lady says, “I had a fluffy orange goofball of a cat named Zeke.  He was the man in my life, but sadly he died suddenly last year.”  It’s funny and touching.  She cared about Zeke, and you can tell that.  I’m glad that she refers to him as the man in her life and not something like the love of her life, because that’s me. 

Aside from animal issues, Marianne Williamson says she will establish a Department of Peace if elected President of the United States.  Its mission will be to promote peaceful ways of resolving problems between individuals, groups and nations.  A quick survey of US Departments and Agencies shows that there is no one agency tasked with finding ways for humans to get along.  Considering the number of humans and the problems I’ve observed with them waging war or simply coming to blows over a mis-heard comment, a Department of Peace actually sounds like a good idea, providing it doesn’t turn into an Orwellian “Ministry of Peace”.  (Who says cats don’t read classic literature?)

So, to recap my evening at the Roxy with Marianne Williamson, I’ll start off with saying that she is as dynamic in person as she is on her videos.  She’s a cross between Sally Fields in the Flying Nun and Jane Fonda in her workout videos.  Lots of optimism, lots of enthusiasm, but like both of the actresses named above, also kind of weird.  Her speech was full of high concepts and rosy clouds painted with her hands in the air but a bit short on specifics. 

I was able to get into the gathering simply by walking in next to a particularly outlandishly dressed couple.  I’m actually not sure they were a couple, but they were two oddly dressed people who walked into the room together.  They looked like the kind of people who might be accompanied by their faithful feline companion, so I fulfilled that role.  No one even looked twice at me.  It turned out that they were among the elite supporters of the fundraiser, so they were able to meet and talk with Marianne privately before the event quite got started.  I sat there next to them as they all chatted, and was graced with a “Oh, what a lovely kitty!  I had a cat, you know.”  One of the humans I’d attached myself to replied awkwardly, “ah, yes, we’d heard that.”  Marianne blithely went on to discuss envisioning possibility or some such, and then moved on to the next elite supporter. 

I wandered off and looked for a good spot to watch the presentation by Marianne and Dave Navarro, the artist who had organized the fundraiser.  I discovered a stand shrouded in a large blue cloth, and worked my way under it so that I was just peeking out at the stage area, currently occupied by a pleasant jazz trio.  I think I may have dozed off for a bit, because the next time I looked up, the Jazz Trio was gone and the PA system was announcing Dave Navarro.

Dave bounced up onto the stage and began speaking enthusiastically about Marianne and what she could do for the country if she was elected President.  He wove his art through his speech and said how she’d inspired him to create a piece for her candidacy.  He bounced over to the stand I was under and whisked off the blue cloth (maybe it wasn’t such a good spot to watch and yet be unobserved).  And there I was, lying in front of a full-size representation of Marianne speaking at a podium. 

Applause broke out, along with a bit of laughter.  Both Dave and Marianne looked a bit insulted at the laughter until someone called out, “There’s your cat, Marianne – and he looks fine to me.”  Only a few people laughed at that, and Marianne came over to me, scooped me up and put me on the podium where she was to speak in a few moments.  Dave continued his remarks on the piece and how he hoped that it would help bring supporters and funds to Marianne for her campaign.  Meanwhile, Marianne leaned over the podium and said, “Kitty cat, you are the ultimate photobomber.  This was my moment to connect with my base through art, and now they’ll remember the cat, not me.  So, you’re going even the scales by sitting here on this podium while I make my speech, and when I scratch behind your ears, please do not claw me.  You owe me that much.” 

Since I was mortified by being caught catnapping on the stage, I agreed to her demands with a demure “meow” and reached out to touch her fingers with my nose.   When Dave had finished, Marianne spoke for about fifteen minutes about her ideas of how she could make America a nicer country and how she needed the help of people in the room to realize her dream for America.  She’s definitely a person who speaks with her hands, but one would occasionally come down and gently scratch behind one ear or the other, and when she discovered how soft my fur was, she buried one hand in my fur and made tiny little circles with her fingers, just like the yarn lady does.  I purred, because it felt nice and also because she seemed like a very nice lady. 

When she finished speaking, Dave Navarro said, “let’s have a round of applause for Marianne Williamson and, uh, the cat.”  When the applause died down, he asked, “Whose cat is this, anyway?”  I recognized my exit cue and giving Marianne’s fingers a farewell sniff, I jumped down and sauntered toward the exit, skirting the guests who were trying for a last minute photo opportunity with either Marianne, Dave or both of them.  I was able to make a clean escape and was upstairs with a few minutes to spare before my ride arrived.  A doorman let me out with a nod, saying “Be careful out there, kitty.  There are some mean cats in this town and you don’t want to go home all battered.”  I meowed in thanks, and conscious of his warning, waited close to the entrance of the building until my ride arrived. 

In closing, I must say that Marianne Williamson is a lovely person with a good positive animal agenda.  She also knows how to give a cat a really good head-scritch. 

Humans Bet on Politics??

Princess Clementine, Political Correspondent for Animal Rights

Fri August 28, 2019

I decided I’d need to find a wide variety of websites to do my pre-visit research on the Presidential candidates.  Some websites are partisan, others seem to be made from the gasses given off by rancid cheese, but a few seem to report on the candidates honestly.  The candidates’ own pages might be great for initial information on their positions on animals, but so far none that I’ve looked at have any information at all on the treatment and rights of animals. 

One of the oddest things I found was a British website where they post the odds on the US Presidential Race from a bunch of online bookmakers.  Oddly enough, Americans do not seem to be allowed to bet on the contest.  As I explored the website further and tried to actually place a bet (sorry, yarn lady), it said that it could not accept bets from my region.  I guess since we get to vote, we shouldn’t also be allowed to bet on the race.  Come to think of it, you bet on horse races, why not Presidential races?  But, thinking a bit more, jockeys can’t bet on any race they are in, so maybe it makes sense, at least in light of all the rules humans have about things.

Anyway, it blew my mind that there were people at multiple companies sizing up the candidates and determining how likely it was that each would win.  The names are in order of likelihood, so from this the Brits seem to think we’ll have Mr. Trump with us for another four years.  I’m sure these odds will change considerably after the primaries, and I’ll be sure to check back then.

Oddschecker also has betting odds for stuff related to humans in American politics.  One bookmaker lays the odds at 8 to 1 that Melania Trump will be found to be living with another man during the current administration and 200 to 1 that she’ll run for president herself.  Since she’s a naturalized citizen and can’t run for president, that should be a zillion to 1. 

Most of these “Outrights” and “Specials” (I have no clue what these are, but they seem to be types of betting contests) are either quite anti-Trump or making fun of him.  I’m not sure whether this means the Brits dislike him that much, or whether the people who frequent these betting sites have way too much time on their hands. 

And in case you were wondering, I never found a bookmaker that would accept my bet.  I’d even carefully copied down all the information from the yarn lady’s debit card so I could open an account. 

A Cat’s Eye View of the Humane Party

Princess Clementine, Political Correspondent for Animal Rights

Wed August 21, 2019

As I was looking over the candidates for the presidency who have reported contributions I couldn’t help noticing that most of them were Democrats.  There were a few Green Party Candidates, some Libertarians, one Non-Party and a small bunch of Republicans.  I wondered why there wasn’t something like an Animal Rights Party, so I did a little research on it while the yarn lady was out of the house for the afternoon.  I found mention of a US Animal Rights party established in 2011, but it seems to have gone toes up already, as it billed itself as a virtual political party…yet its website has expired.  It’s hard to be a virtual party if you don’t have a presence in cyberspace!

Then I found the Humane Party.  Since I was adopted by the yarn lady from an animal shelter (although not the Humane Society), I figured that would be a political party that would speak for the rights of cats and dogs, as well as other animals. 

Well, they might, but if they managed to elect a president and implement the items in their platform, house pets all over the country would likely be in worse shape than they are now.  They are a vegan political party and would abolish ownership of animals, prohibit their use or slaughter for food production as well as establish a system for animal guardianship through the courts. 

Cats. Are. Carnivores.  I need my daily ration of meat, poultry or fish, or I’ll get sick.  I don’t think there is a healthy vegan diet for pets, and my household does not contain vermin sufficient to satisfy my nutritional needs!  In fact, other than the young raccoon that visited a few years ago (who I knew better than to tussle with), we’ve had a total of one sighting of a critter, a small vole.

Well, since most animals can’t directly communicate their needs (I guess they don’t have Facebook pages like I do), the Humane party proposes that after animals are emancipated, interested parties may apply to the courts to be appointed guardian for an animal or group of animals.  Which court?  Family court usually deals with guardianship issues, so probably them.  What if I need to go to Tibet and the yarn lady can’t afford to apply for guardianship, or is awaiting a court date?  I could suffer or even die!

What about spaying and neutering?  I have to admit that from what I’ve seen and read that we are at the mercy of our biology, or zoology or whatever -ology is correct.  Females go into heat, males come running, and the poor female doesn’t get much choice in the matter unless a human locks her up in a safe place.  By their logic, someone would need to apply for guardianship for stray cats in order to run a trap, neuter and release (TNR) program, or even to spay or neuter their own housecat!  I know from what the yarn lady has said that sterilization of humans under guardianship requires additional legal steps, including applying to the court for special approval.  It’s expensive enough to just get the operation, but add several layers of court costs…we’ll be overrun with stray and feral cats and dogs.  Bad idea. 

Their logo features a romping cow, presumably running free.  In the Humane Party’s future world all animals will be emancipated, including hundreds of thousands of cows, chickens and pigs who are raised for food.  I’m not sure where Bossy the Cow will run free, considering the concentration of cow feed lots in the mid-western part of the country.  Nebraska had an estimated cow population of 36,000 in 2012.  That's going to result in a lot of cow patties for people to step in.  And what about the 15 million chickens in Delaware?  I doubt the folks who ran the farms will continue to provide feed and staff to care for their newly emancipated livestock.  Every home in Delaware will be overrun by hungry chickens, providing the poor things can walk that far. 

So, whoever the Humane Party nominates for President for 2020, as an intelligent cat I cannot in good conscience vote for him, her or it.  (Who knows, maybe they’ll nominate a cow?)

Sizing up the candidates for the United States Presidency - Bill de Blasio

Princess Clementine, Political Correspondent for Animal Rights

Mon August 19, 2019

Four years ago, when I was a much younger cat, I set out to learn about the humans who were running for President of the United States.  I didn’t start until after the first of the primaries, and only had time to meet the front runners, well, and Mr. Pine Straw.  It was interesting, and I hope that the folks I shared my information with on my Facebook page were informed by my analysis of the candidates’ stance on animal rights. In case you're interested my page can be found at fb.me/ClementinePrincessofQuiteALot

The yarn lady has been playing the news station on the radio again and I’ve heard news about a few of the candidates.  Recently she’d left a tab open on the computer for the Federal Election Commission and it said, “viewing 842 results for the 2020 Presidential Election”.  That means 842 candidates!!!  I know, I counted them.  I’m not sure some of them are real, such as Seymour Cats from Bensalem, PA, but he did submit an FEC Form 2 – Statement of Candidacy.  It’s true, and you can look it up if you don’t believe me.

I’d vowed that I would never again be a political correspondent after the debate between Donald Trump, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz in 2016.  All three of the men behaved horribly, and even made rude jokes about me (I do not look like Donald Trump’s hairpiece, if he even wears one).  But here I am, again wondering about the bipedal, furless and featherless beings that believe they would do a good job of running this country. 

In order to meet as many of the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring (an odd saying, since none of them wear hats), I am starting my quest now to interview as many of the actual contenders for the office of President of the United States as I can.  Lest you think this will be a political series, let me reassure you that I will only be reporting, analyzing and commenting on the candidates’ platforms, voting records or other reputable news items regarding animal treatment, animal rights and their own pets.  If you wish to make critical political comments about the candidates, link my article to your own social media platform and criticize there to your heart’s content.  Any overtly critical political comments on my posted articles will be politely removed.  Mildly humorous comments will be left, as long as they are not mean. 

I decided to begin this election season with the candidate who was probably the easiest to get to for me. He lives in NYC, and despite the heat, I called an Uber and went to visit Hizzoner, Bill de Blasio, one of the many Democratic candidates for president.

I caught up with him in his office, where he was thinking over the past weekend in Iowa. I believe it didn't go very well for him. Looking into his animal rights background I did find a number of promising items. During the recent heat wave he and the Health Commissioner spoke several times of the danger of extreme heat to pets as well as humans. He signed into law a ban on wild animals in circuses in New York City. No more lions and tigers and bears traveling with the circuses, at least in the five boroughs. He campaigned for mayor with a platform to ban carriage horses in Central Park, but has been stymied on that. Hot or cold, the horses are still there. They don't have to pull the carriages in super-hot weather, but they also don't have shaded turn-out paddocks to escape the heat. They just stay in their stalls (hopefully with at least fans or misters). He also hired an animal rights activist to serve on his Mayor's Community Affairs Unit.

The photo below was from a few years ago when he invited me to one of his Halloween shindigs. I asked Hizzonette if she could lose the crow for the photo, but she said, no, the crow stays. I'm not sure she personally is a cat lover.

I'm not sure he'll get far in the primaries if the amount of support he had in Iowa this past weekend continues to be so lackluster. If he does manage to win the Democratic nomination, I think us furred and feathered folk could might be well-served by Hizzoner, President de Blasio.

#potus2020 #deblasio2020